dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
