I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
