just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
