My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My breasts were aching with rage.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
