My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
