So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
