there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
