Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
