Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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