are you still at the devil's house?
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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