I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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