There is no way he is gay with that hair.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
