I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
this hospital has no fireball
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
