i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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