I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
