youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
