Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
