I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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