i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You ate ashes out of my bong
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
