Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
