There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
