Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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