I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
