Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
