I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
