This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
