He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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