Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
