So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Congratulations! We have a period
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