how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
