You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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