Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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