I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
