My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
