if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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