I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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