being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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