Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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