I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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