Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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