we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
