; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
