trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
