The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
