You're earring is so big in my mouth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
