Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
