He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
this is an emotional support booty call
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
