We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
