Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
