where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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