I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
